Sometimes I find it important to write as if I am teaching myself. Life if I write it down and read it, I believe it. Maybe I’m just ultra stubborn or hard headed. Either way, this post is for me and anyone else that need to remember to be at ease and okay with our feelings.
Dealing with loss in any sense is difficult. Figuring out how to fill the gap someone or something leaves can feel nearly impossible. After the sudden loss of someone close to me a few weeks ago, I find myself struggling to find the right words, emotions and actions to express the way I’m feeling. We are all different, and our different personalities and behaviors create different relationships with every person in our lives. For instance, I have always said when it comes to adoption that while I have my own experiences, I will never be able to fully understand how someone else feels even if we have gone through identical things because we are different people. I think the same holds true for everything in life.
In the past few weeks while I struggle to put words to feelings, I came to the realization that I have to be okay with whatever each new day brings. There will be days where:
- I don’t feel like getting out of bed
- Little things make me sad
- I don’t feel like talking to people
- I’m happy thinking about all the funny memories
- I cry for no reason
- Friends might text with a generic how’s it going, and I may word vomit all over their phone with more description than they were hoping for
- Or I just need someone to talk to
And all of those things have to be okay. As my family and I get through the next year and all the firsts we have to overcome, it’s important to allow ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling, and support each other in that. While other people have moved on and the loss isn’t at the forefront of their thoughts, I still find myself thinking about it daily, wondering why people don’t ask how I’m doing or feeling. It’s okay that others move on quicker, and its okay that it takes some people longer, but sometimes I need that extra ask or concern. I was telling Dan the other day how I just feel like I want to talk about it, but don’t want to be a downer with all my friends and family. I don’t want it to seem like I’m focusing on My Father In-law being gone or how sad I am, but I want talk through how I’m feeling.
My dad and I were talking the other day and he said, “It seems like you and Dan are doing good and moving on.” At first it took me by surprise and felt like it was too soon. But then I realized, it isn’t about moving on and getting past something, it’s about finding your new normal. Holiday meals will be the three of us instead of four, my father in-law won’t take drives down our private drive street just to see if anything is different about our house, his car won’t be in front of the office, and he won’t be sitting in his chair when we go to their house. A piece of what used to be will be missing, but a new normal and new traditions will develop.
Hopefully I’ll get used to those new expectations sooner rather than later so that you won’t have to listen to me go on and on and on about feelings. Sorry that this post wasn’t really uplifting or exciting, or even very happy. Sometimes we have to write exactly what we’re thinking and teach ourselves a little something at the same time. I hope to keep these somber or less uplifting posts to a minimal, but I also appreciate that I have a place where I can come to help sort through my feelings. Thanks to those of you who made it through the rambling and for the support and friendship over the past few weeks. It truly means more than you know!