Thank you for keeping the city afloat financially. The fact that you wash your cars daily, I'm sure makes the people in charge of billing you for your water usage extremely happy. And while I'm sure you are disgusted by my lack of washing and the fact that there is currently bird poop on both sides of my car, I'm sure you're making someone happy by paying their salary with your water bill each month. Oh and thank you for always smoking your cigar while you do anything outdoors. It wouldn't be the same if I couldn't watch you harm your health while you harm the environment.
Thank you for showing me how I don't want my husband to look in 20 years. And while I know using a 10 foot extension on your vacuum to clean out your gutters without your shirt on sounds like a good idea, it's horrible (yet hilarious) to look at and I'm fairly certain is not what your vacuum is supposed to be used for. Ps. Put a shirt on!
Thank you for reminding me to not wear my pajamas 24/7 and sit outside for hours a day smoking a cigarette. Even though I do own a mirror, your daily reminder of just how horrible that looks as I pull in to our private drive helps keep me from making the same fashion mistakes. I truly missed seeing you when you did your weekend time in jail for theft a few months ago. #stayclassy
Thank you for teaching myself and all the other neighbors just how dangerous drugs really are. The fact that you almost died in your house of an overdose made me even more aware of how bad drugs are, and how you really don't know who you're living across from, until 4 cops cars, 2 ambulances and a fire engine pull up out front. Maybe the fact that your friend thought he was papa smurf, painted the entire house blue, had smurf on his license plate and only answered to that name should have clued me in to what we were in store for.
Thank you for showing me that you can actually jimmy rig an antenna and wires to the top of your roof to get a few cable stations. I would hate to have to pay for basic cable, so it's really nice to know that you can still steal other people's signal. And the fact that you have it so tastefully just hanging off the roof in the middle of your house with your yard that is currently just dirt and cardboard boxes truly makes me feel better about our landscaping.
Thank you for teaching me it's okay to scream, cuss, and yell in public at your family. I'm truly going to miss your screaming matches and speeding/screeching beat up car flying down our street after one of your fights. But it will never be as good as the fight you had on your birthday, where your daughter forgot to move your cake from the roof of her car and it landed in the street as she sped away. The birds truly appreciated that gesture for the next week! #happybirthdaytothebirds
Thank you for owning a dog that doesn't even seem to like it's owners. I truly have you to thank for the fact that my dog now always assumes yours is outside and runs over to your side of the fencing growling and barking and trying to get under to attack your dog. I'm sure our new neighbors will appreciate this behavior as well. I will give them your address to send you a thank you card.
Finally . . .
Thank you for getting mad at us for selling our house. I didn't realize you had grown so attached to our lack of conversations or friendship, but the fact that you rang my doorbell and got upset that we had listed our house truly made me feel that we would be missed. However, you didn't need to go as far as you did. Our realtor had nothing to do with our decision to move, and I'm sure his broker didn't appreciate getting her entire back window broken while she was at our home taking pictures. And even though you came up with a great story, I'm not sure how you hit a rock with your lawnmower and launched it 10 feet to break an entire Tahoe window without noticing. You deserve a medal or something for that!
It has been a great 5 years, barely getting to know any of you and being forced to install a security system because I'm home alone too much and you all creep me out. I've learned that even though you live in a new neighborhood on a private drive there are weirdos everywhere. I truly won't miss one of you, and I hope that the person buying our house enjoys your quirks and crazies as much as Dan and I haven't. Adios! Don't write!