I worried about leaving her, who was holding her, who she stays with, the thought of leaving her, everything worried me. But I wasn't just protective of other people watching her, I became protective with my husband too. I wanted him to be around and for him to have as much time with her as I did. It would make me worry if he'd hold her less than me or get frustrated with her getting up in the middle of the night. Basically I worried about all normal things that I shouldn't have been worried about, but I was. And even though I can see now I was being totally crazy, I couldn't tell at the that I was being that way! Thank goodness my husband is patient!
Crying for no reason:
I was on my way home from a doctors appointment just 4 days after Harper was born and crying in the back seat or up in the middle of the night to feed her sitting in the rocker in her room sobbing. I cried a lot. Not because I was depressed or sad, but because the hormones and emotions running through your body are intense. You're lacking sleep, which is probably the biggest culprit to my happy, sad, exhausted emotions. Even if you're baby is a good sleeper, you're only getting a 4 hour stretch at most of sleep before it's time to wake up and change, feed and rock again. Before going to the hospital, I had thought about the fact that it would no longer be just the two of us, but the realization that you're now completely in charge of someone else's life even more so than before is definitely a daunting realization.
I was proud of my body:
I have always struggled with my self-image and feeling embarrassed or ashamed of my body, but for the first time I was comfortable in my own skin. I had just had a baby, was constantly sweating and had that lovely postpartum smell, but I was comfortable and proud. I wasn't overly worried with how I looked, and even though barely anything in my closet fit me right, I felt good. Even now, 3 months later I'm still more comfortable and proud of what my body was able to do than I have ever been before. Sure I have stretch marks on my stomach and an extra pooch that wasn't there before, but I'm okay with that.
I Became Google's Biggest User:
Anything and everything new that happened or changed I was on my phone googling it. She made this noise, what does that mean? She slept for four hours, do I wake her up? She's eating this often, is this normal? If you can think of a baby related question, I googled it. . . or asked my mom the nurse and she googled it . . . or asked my mom the nurse and we both googled it. No matter how prepared I felt before, once she's home and changing every day there are still questions that come up. And I didn't get to a point where I felt like I didn't wonder about all the changes or behaviors she experienced every day, but I became more confident as the days went by in my ability to make decisions and care for each of those behaviors.
Becoming a mom is truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but with that has definitely come a change in my emotions, behavior and feelings. It is a life changing experience and one that I am so thankful to have gone through. Especially because now, I am part of a great group of women, Moms.
What are some of the worries or thoughts you had as a new mom? Did you find any specific tools or places that you went to for answers or encouragement?